Autism and loneliness: The Power Of Belonging Without Conforming
Autism and loneliness, it can be a very real ‘thing’. I’ve spent most of my life feeling alone, and as if I couldn’t find my place in the world, I just didn’t seem to fit in – no matter what I did.  Have you felt it too? Do you still feel that you’re a few steps off the beat, not quite being able to dance to the same tune as everyone else?Â
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Come take a seat beside me on the edge of the crowd. It’s a pretty interesting place to be, right?Â
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You know, for a long time, I thought being on the edge was a bad thing. Like I’d turned up to a fancy-dress party dressed as a space dinosaur and everyone else was in cocktail attire – I DID actually turn up to a Halloween party dressed as Andy Pandy when I was 19 – the dress code fancy dress, but it didn’t specify ‘Halloween’ – so, you know….. Well, It felt awkward. I was an outsider, watching the crowd from the side lines wondering how I could have been so stupid.Â
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I wish I could say that the feeling of not fitting it stopped at that fancy dress party, but alas – no. Failing to fit into that societal jigsaw puzzle no matter how I contorted myself, was a theme that was continue through my life.Â
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And then…..
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On the edge, is where all the exciting stuff happens - seriously!
Let me tell you a secret. Whilst I sat there and reflected on my autism and loneliness I’d felt my whole life, I had an epiphany! I realised that fitting in is overrated. Firstly, fitting in to WHAT? A set of standards and rules that ‘they’ decided was acceptable. The societal rules that tells us whether we fit or not, whether we belong or not.
After my autism and ADHD diagnosis, I really started to reflect on how I’d felt my entire life, and the fact I’d always felt like an outsider. I used to say I felt like I was looking through a pain of glass that was smeared, and I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on, on the other side. Or that it felt like everyone else had this rule book to life, that I didn’t receive.
I spent a lot of time trying to fit in, to conform. You too? It’s tough, right? But eventually, I realised that belonging doesn’t mean blending in. There’s a powerful kind of belonging that happens when you are authentically yourself and others accept and value you for it.
Now, I won’t lie. This journey, it’s not a fairy-tale with pixie dust. It’s more like a superhero origin story. There’s pain, struggle, a few crashes and burns, and maybe some radioactive spiders involved. (Okay, maybe not the last part, but it keeps things interesting, right?)
Here’s what I’ve learned: You don’t need to change who you are to find your tribe. In fact, it’s when you stop trying to change yourself that your people will find you. And trust me, they will.
After my diagnosis I was shocked and deeply upset by the responses of some of those close to me. Some ‘friends’ dropped me out quicker than you can say ‘hot potato’ – which hurt. I had struggled to maintain friendships my whole life, and then when I shared my diagnosis, I watched them run for the hills – and worse, discovered they’d been gossiping behind my back. I now see that they were clearing the way for new people to enter my life, that truly accepted me for who I am.
Being on the edge of the crowd doesn't have to be about being isolated or alone.
You see, being on the edge of the crowd isn’t about being isolated or alone. It’s about being a trailblazer, a pioneer, a rebel with a cause. It’s about setting your own rules, creating your own norms, and defining your own success. And isn’t that much more exciting? If you have felt that autism and loneliness go hand in hand, then I hope this brings you a feeling of excitement and endless possibilities!
YOU get to choose who you want to be, and you get to set your life up in a way that supports you and helps you thrive. YOU get to choose what ‘success’ looks and feels like for you, and forget what everyone else thinks! Because here’s the thing…
How many people do you know that are buying to the societal version of ‘success’ and normality, who are actually happy? I’m not talking about other autistic folk, I’m talking about neurotypical. How many? I honestly don’t know anyone that I’d call truly happy. They are all swimming in this crazy pool of life, packed in like sardines, unable to change direction.
So, here’s to us, the edge dwellers, the round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently, who aren’t fond of rules, who have no respect for the status quo. We might be on the edge of the crowd, but we are also on the edge of something great, something powerful, something uniquely ours.
AND, when we’re sitting on the edge, in all our glory, we will attract other like minded edge dwellers who understand us. Bringing us the opportunity to create REAL connections and to find the sense of belonging, understanding and acceptance that we have been seeking.
Stay on the edge, my friend. The view is simply amazing from here. Together, we’ll redefine what it means to belong and create a world where authenticity isn’t just accepted, it’s celebrated. Who’s with me?
I hope that you have enjoyed this blog on autism and loneliness. It’s something that I have struggled with my entire life, until I flipped my perspective once I discovered I was autistic ADHD. I no longer yearn to belong, to be vanilla, or to fit into a space that isn’t made for me. I had to step away from my prolific people pleasing tendencies to get me there – and if that’s a challenge for you too, you might find this THIS BLOG helpful.
Stay bold, stay brave and keep shining your beautiful, unique light. We’ve got this!
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