Superwoman syndrome and autism are closely intertwined, in my opinion. I believe that as an autistic ADHD women, we are predisposed to experiencing it. We often spend much of our lives trying to fit in, to be accepted and to find our place in a world not designed for us. We can quickly become caught up in what others expect from us, and then that becomes our narrative and expectations of ourselves too.
Picture this: There she is, cape billowing in the wind, a glint of sheer determination in her eyes. She’s juggling a career, home, relationships, self-care, hobbies, and even her mental well-being on her finely-tuned, perfectly-manicured fingertips. She’s Superwoman! Sound familiar?
That’s because it might be you. Now, here’s the kicker – over the years, you’ve got the message that the world expects you to be this Superwoman, and then along the way, you’ve bought into that idea too. It’s something many women experience, but when you’re autistic and/or ADHD, we are even more vulnerable to the pressure of trying to be perfect, in order to fit in and be accepted.
Here’s where Superwoman syndrome and autism ADHD have a dangerous cross over, in my opinion. The societal expectations of being able to do it all, perfectly, whilst looking serene and perfectly manicured is layered on top of the challenges that many of us autistic and ADHD women face, when it comes to fitting into society. We often cover up our true selves, hide the parts of us that we don’t want others to see, and become prolific people pleasers in the process. For some of us, we feel like we’re a heartbeat away from total collapse. A heartbeat away from being exposed, and a heartbeat away from being rejected or found out.
Let’s be honest. How many times have you found yourself caught in a whirlwind of endless to-do lists, struggling to figure out what to do next? How often have you pushed your own needs to the back burner because, well, someone has to get everything done, right? And let’s not forget those nagging thoughts that you could always do more, be more, be better. That’s Superwoman Syndrome for you – an exhausting juggling act that leaves you drained, overwhelmed, and minutes away from being exposed as a failure or imposter.
So, how about we call time on Superwoman and invite in the real, authentic, beautifully-imperfect you to the party instead?
Firstly, let’s get something straight – this isn’t about settling for less. It’s about living more. It’s about unravelling from the Superwoman cape and embracing your true self – flaws, dreams, and all. It can be so easy to create a life around keeping everyone else happy, doing all of the things expected of you and saying YES when you really want to say NO.
But here’s the thing. You’re suffering, am I right? You’re laying awake at night worrying about all the things you need to do, and things you ‘should’ have done. The more you do, the more you’re asked to do, and others seem to have no problem asking for more from you. It feels out of control and you feel like nobody actually cares about what you want or need, and you feel your energy levels draining, day by day.
Superwoman syndrome and autism & ADHD are a complex combination. I have met so many autistic and ADHD women that feel like they spinning so many plates, that they are all going to come crashing down around them. I’ve spoken with many more women that say they lay awake at night feeling that they are failing, because they can’t cope with everything.
Up until my diagnosis, I would have told you I was ‘s*@t at adulting’. That’s what I thought, and I told myself that daily. I was puzzled by how other women seemed to be able to do it all – and I have never had a family to look after – so hats off to all of you with responsibilities other than you (well, I do have a cat – so a little bit of extra responsibility!) My childhood ‘good girl’ syndrome evolved into my version of Superwoman syndrome and autism ADHD layered on even more complexities that I wasn’t aware of.
There’s a certain liberation in recognising that we can’t do it all, and that we don’t need to put so much pressure on ourselves to try. My realisation didn’t come until my mid 40’s, when I was diagnosed. I finally realised why everything had been this huge struggle up to that point. Trying to squeeze yourself into the Superwoman mould means living on someone else’s terms, not yours. I often say I felt like an octopus that was trying to fit into an egg cup – it’s was never going to happen, but I kept on trying! And for what? To meet some mythical standards set by society? No, thank you!
So, let’s replace the juggling with joy, shall we? Here are a few tips to start:
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- Learn to say no: Saying no isn’t about being unhelpful or selfish. It’s about respecting your time, energy, and boundaries. And trust me, the world won’t stop spinning if you decide to pass on that extra project or decline that social event that feels more like a chore than a celebration. Saying NO can feel scary at first, but it gets easily the more you do it.
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- Put on your own oxygen mask first: Ever heard that safety spiel on an airplane about securing your own oxygen mask before helping others? Apply that to life. Self-care isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity. Because you can’t pour from an empty cup, my friend. Or as Harry Styles would say “Fill up your own cup first, and let them fall in love with the overflow”. I love that as a reminder that I am better all round, when I feel safe and calm.
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- Embrace imperfection: Real life is messy, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s time we ditch the notion of perfect and replace it with something far better – real, authentic you. Because you, with all your quirks and idiosyncrasies, are more than enough.
Dismantling the Superwoman Syndrome isn’t about giving up; it’s about stepping up – for yourself. It’s about trading the juggle for joy and the hustle for happiness. So let’s hang up that cape (it’s not very comfortable anyway) and start living authentically, passionately, unapologetically. After all, you’re not Superwoman, and that’s your superpower.
As a late-diagnosed autistic ADHD woman, I know the path to self-pleasing isn’t always easy, but it’s worth every step. Here’s to your authentic life – may it bring you joy, satisfaction, and peace.
Be bold, be brave and go out there and be your amazing true self! Nikki x