HELLO from a recovered prolific people pleaser!! This is an areas I know only too well!
As women with ADHD and autism, we often find ourselves caught in the relentless pursuit of acceptance, as we strive to fit in and belong. We can mould ourselves into a version of ourselves that fits society’s expectations, and we can end up constantly seeking validation from others, that we’re doing what’s ‘right’, or expected of us.
We can become experts in people-pleasing, often at the cost of our own needs, desires, and mental health. For many of us, people pleasing isn’t a choice we make, it’s something that we learnt from a very young age. Today, let’s explore why it’s so important to shift our focus from people-pleasing to pleasing ourselves, and how it can be the key to releasing so much anxiety and stress in our lives.
The People-Pleasing Trap
People-pleasing is an exhausting, never-ending cycle, even more so if you have a busy and demanding life. The need for acceptance can be intense for neurodiverse women, as many of us have spent our lives feeling different or misunderstood. We subconsciously adopt the role of the ‘chameleon’, changing ourselves to blend in and avoid any conflict or rejection.
Before my diagnosis, I was a prolific people pleaser, in every area of my life. I used to be able to figure out quickly what others expected and needed from me, and I’d work so hard to be THAT version of myself. I’d cover up the bits they didn’t want to see and try harder to be the perfect version of myself for them. Of course, it never worked out well for me. There’s only so long that works, before overwhelm and exhaustion kick in.
In our attempts to please others, we often end up sacrificing our own needs and neglecting our self-care. This can lead to burnout, stress, and a disconnect from our authentic selves.
Can you think of any examples where your people pleasing has had a significant impact on you? Have you ever felt exhausted from trying to live up to the demands of others? Or maybe you constantly say YES when you desperately want to say NO – not fear the consequences?
Understanding Your Worth
Firstly, it’s important to understand that your worth is not tied to how much you do for others, even if it sometimes feels like it does. This is a challenging one, I feel. After my diagnosis, I realised that I attracted a lot of people in my life that would take advantage of my people pleasing nature. It was as if they had tapped into the vulnerability and desire to belong. Relationships, friendships, work environments – I could recall so many situations. My heart sank, as I recalled with sadness, some of the experiences, and asked myself why I had allowed it.
My diagnosis, my self reflection, a good deal of research, and many conversations with other neurodivergent women helped me understand this common trait much better. And better still, I found a way to stop living my life as a prolific people pleaser!
Prioritising your own needs is not selfish, it’s vital to our wellbeing. We’re often made to feel that we ‘should’ do things for others, but It’s okay to say ‘no’. ‘NO’, is – in fact – a complete sentence! It’s okay to make choices that others might not understand, you do not have to explain your ‘no’ or reasons to anyone.
From People-Pleasing to Self-Pleasing
Shifting from people-pleasing to pleasing ourselves can seem impossible and daunting. When I started to say ‘NO’ to things, and prioritise my own needs, I was terrified of the consequences and rejection. You see, when I had tried to assert myself in the past, it had resulted in criticism, rejection and judgement. I was left feeling as though I had done something wrong, and that made me strive to please people even more.
The truth was, I was just engaging with people that were not good for me, and in environments where boundaries counted for nothing. So yes, you might lose some people along the way, when you start to shift away from people pleasing – trust me when I tell you that those are not your people. Being your authentic self, with clear boundaries will bring the right people into your life, that respect and support you.
Here’s a few ideas to get you thinking about how to stop people pleasing and start pleasing yourself.
Set Boundaries:
Establishing clear boundaries is an act of self love and respect. It is integral to your wellbeing and sets the tone for what you will and won’t accept from others. How do you feel about setting boundaries? Do you feel confident in communicating your boundaries to others? Or does the through leave you with clammy palms and feeling like you might pass out?
I was the latter! It wasn’t until my autism and ADHD coach talked to me about boundaries that I realised I could set my own! Honestly, I’d got to the age of 45 without realising I could say NO and stand by it, and it had never occurred to me that I could negotiate the terms of what was being asked of me. Ironic really, when you think that I spent over a decade in a legal corporate career that was ALL about negotiation and boundary setting – just not for me, for my clients and the organisations I worked in!
Identify Your Core Values:
I talk about core values a LOT! I believe these are our North Star, our internal guiding compass. It’s why they are at the heart of my RADIATE model, and everything I do. Do you know your core values? Are you living and breathing them? Connecting with your core values can really help you to set boundaries and honour your needs and wants.
If you’re not sure about what your core values are, think about what truly matters to you? What brings you joy, fulfilment, and a sense of purpose? WHY do they matter? What examples or stories can you think of, that really bring your core values to life? Write them down and reflect on them.
If you’d have met me at any point in my life, after the age of 25, I’d have told you exactly what my core values were. But, after my diagnosis, when I really committed to putting myself first, I realised I hadn’t truly been living by my values. Why? Because I was too busy running around people pleasing, and putting others wants and needs before my own!
Practice Self-Care:
Self-care isn’t all about bubble baths and relaxation – although you can do those things if you love them, of course! Self-care is also about taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional health. Finding ways to notice how you’re feeling and what you need, can be a powerful step to start to understand what you need.
Regularly checking in with yourself and asking “What do I need right now?” can be a super powerful start.
Seek Support:
A supportive network or therapist can be invaluable in this journey. This could be supportive friends & family, in-person groups and therapists, online groups and therapists – whatever YOU need to feel supported.
My eureka moment came shortly after I was diagnosed, when my autism and ADHD coach asked me about what boundaries I have in place to protect myself. I was confused by the question, genuinely. I had no idea I could set boundaries, or how to.
And the thought absolutely terrified me! However, within 6 months I had transformed my life in so many ways – creating clear boundaries and communicating them. Initially it was terrifying, I’m not going to lie – but I was astounded at how much easier life got, and how much calmer and happier I felt.
The Power of Authenticity
When we stop trying to please others and start focusing on what pleases us, we unlock a life of authenticity and freedom. It can feel really overwhelming to start to put boundaries in place. Maybe you’ll embrace it with gusto and happily start to assert your needs and communicate your boundaries.
Or maybe, you’ll feel terrified at the the thought, and wonder if others will reject you. What will they think if you suddenly start saying no to things, or negotiating how you’ll show up. Honestly – I told my coach I’d decided to move away and start again, with new people, so I didn’t have to change for those around me. I laugh out loud when I think about that now – it was like I felt I needed a fresh start, with new people, because I was terrified of putting boundaries in place, where they have never been before!
Yes, I lost some people from my life. I drifted away from some friends, let some clients go and changed the way I ran my business. But ALL of it has been for the better, I can honestly say, hand on heart.
As a late-diagnosed autistic ADHD woman, I can know the path to self-pleasing isn’t always easy, but it’s worth every step. Here’s to your authentic life – may it bring you joy, satisfaction, and peace.
Be bold, be brave and go out there and be your amazing true self! Nikki x