Why having healthy boundaries is crucial
Oh My Gosh – healthy boundaries were as elusive as the Lochness Monster to me for most of my life! As an autistic ADHD women, I know all too well that life can sometimes feel like a tightrope walk, can’t it?
You’re constantly trying to balance your own needs with those of others, trying not to tip too far in any one direction. But if you’re anything like me, then you’ll know the balance never actually tips in YOUR favour. Am I right?
Let me guess. Are you the kind of person who finds it difficult to say ‘no’? Maybe you’re worried you’ll let someone down, or you feel it’s your responsibility to keep everyone happy. Or maybe you’re worried that others will think you’re incapable or you’re selfish, if you say no? I’ve been there – for all of the above and many variations in between!
The truth is, many of us neurodivergent women are so incredibly tuned into other people’s needs that we often forget about our own. We’re brilliant at anticipating problems, solving crises, and generally being there for everyone…except ourselves. We’ve often spent much of our lives figuring out what others need, want and expect from us, and we do everything in our power to be all of the things, to all of the people. Never mind our needs, they often don’t even make it off the starter blocks!
But here’s the thing. By constantly saying ‘yes’, we often end up overcommitted, overwhelmed, and on the fast-track to burnout. Not exactly the recipe for a joyful and fulfilling life, is it?
Why 'NO' is a complete sentence!
So, how do we break free from this cycle? Firstly, let’s redefine what ‘no’ means. And then we will look at ways to say ‘NO’ , so that you can find a way that feels right for you. Plot spoiler: You do not have to justify your ‘no’ to anyone.
Saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean you’re selfish, uncaring, or unkind. Quite the opposite. Saying ‘no’ means you value yourself and your time. It means you have the courage to put your needs first. It means you understand that in order to be there for others, you first need to take care of yourself. I’m pretty sure I’ve quoted Harry Styles before, but I love his quote: “Fill up your own cup first, and let them fall in love with overflow”. It’s true! Or, if you’re a little more practical, you might want to go with the classic airline analogy – “secure your own oxygen mask first, before helping others”.
Saying ‘no’ when you’ve spent your whole life saying ‘yes’ can feel super scary and borderline impossible – I should know, that was me! It’s going to feel scary at first, and you might have a rising panic, but sit with it – I promise it gets easier with practice.
You do not need to justify your ‘no’. I remember someone telling me that ‘no’ was a complete sentence. My mind was blown! Of course, you might want to add some extra words onto that sentence, but it can be as simple as: ‘No, I can’t commit to that right now’, or ‘No, thank you for the invite but I’m unable to make it’.
And here’s my favourite little buffer step: If I find myself in a situation where I feel pressured or anxious, I say something like – ” I’m not sure about that right now, I’ll come back to you later today/tomorrow and let you know”. Then, I step away from the situation, calm myself down, and delivery my ‘no’ in a way that I am comfortable with, which is usually a text or email.
Now we’ve covered ‘no’, lets have a look at negotiation – another one that blew my mind!
Healthy boundaries and the art of negotiation
Did you know that you can negotiate what’s being asked of you, and put healthy boundaries in place? I didn’t, I just thought I had to do what was expected of me, no questions asked. Now, this is even more ridiculous as I spent a decade and a half in a legal management career, negotiating contracts and settlements! Crazy that I didn’t think I could negotiate how I spent my own time and energy resources, right?
It doesn’t have to be as black and white as ‘yes’ or ‘no’. You absolutely can think about what serves you the best, and negotiate the basis in which you say ‘yes’. Let me give you some examples, to help see what I’m saying:
Example 1: You’re asked to deliver a project against a deadline that you can’t make, not without working 14 hour days and missing your child’s sports day and and an important family event. You feel you could do the project, but the timescale doesn’t work for you.
Negotiation: You say ‘yes’, you’d like to support on the project, but the timescales are not realistic for you. You would be able to deliver the project by X date (that works for you). If there is no flexibility then decline the project, if you can. If you can’t say an outright ‘no’, think about what you need to deliver the project in the timescales: eg, more resources/people, the need to delegate certain tasks.
Example 2: A friend invites you over for dinner on a Wednesday night. She lives over an hour away, which means you won’t get home until late, and you’ll have work the next day, and you know you’ll be exhausted.
Negotiation: Suggest to your friend you meet up half way at a restaurant, so you’re only travelling half the distance. Or, suggest a different day to meet up, when you’re not working the next day. You could even suggest meeting for drinks instead of dinner, if you’d prefer that.
You see, you can still do the ‘thing’ in question, but you can negotiate the terms of it – so that it suits your needs.
Why healthy boundaries are important for you
Setting boundaries is a crucial part of saying ‘no’. These are the lines in the sand that protect your time, energy, and wellbeing. And the great thing about boundaries? You get to decide where they go!
Remember, boundaries aren’t just for the big stuff, like declining a new project at work or saying no to another social engagement. They’re also for the small things, like deciding to turn off your phone in the evenings, or carving out an hour each day just for you. Small boundaries can create big shifts.
So, are you going to start saying ‘no’ and start creating boundaries that feel good for you? I hope so. This was such a game changer for me. It took time, and it was uncomfortable at first, but now it’s much easier. Notice the space it creates in your life.
I find it helps to ask myself what I want and need, rather than what I feel I ‘should’ be doing!
Remember, you are the architect of your own life. Saying ‘no’ is simply one of the tools you have to build a life that truly feels like yours.
Prepare for Pushback: Some people might not respond well initially when you start setting boundaries. Stay firm and remember it’s your right to protect your wellbeing. My experience was that some people naturally left my life, because I wasn’t their ‘yes’ girl anymore. And I thank them for that, as they’ve created space and ease in my life. If people can’t accept your new, healthy boundaries, then wave them farewell and spend time with those that do.
Setting boundaries can be tough, especially if you’re not used to it. Be kind to yourself throughout the process. It can be helpful to work with a coach if you’re finding it particularly difficult. This is what I did initially, to get me started and help me gain confidence in my ‘no’.
And of course, you’ve got us, over in our private Facebook Group. It’s a safe space to share challenges, gain support and generally feel supported. If you haven’t already, you can click on the button below to join.
I really hope you’ve found this topic of healthy boundaries helpful and interesting. Until next time, stay bold, be brave and be unapologetically you! Nikki x
PS. If you haven’t taken my Autistic & ADHD Women’s Success Breakthrough Quiz yet, you can click on the link below to take it. It takes less than 4 minutes, and you’ll get personalised feedback, based on your answers.