Hey! How are you doing? I hope you’re having a great week.
This week, we’re going to talk about autistic burnout. Something that’s really important to me, is to be really open and honest about what has lead me to this point in my life. I feel it’s important to share my journey, so you can see ways to avoid pitfalls but also so you can see what is possible. I am sure that you also have amazing stories to share, and I would love to hear them!
If you’d like to share a story, or an important message, then I’d love to invite you to share it in a blog post, right here! Just email me on [email protected], and we can have a chat – and help share your story, so you can support and inspire other women too.
The joy of hindsight, for autistic burnout.
Do you ever look back on a period in your life and wonder how on earth you made it through? That’s how I feel, when I reflect on my time in the corporate world and on my autistic burnout! After leaving university (and there’s a whole other story right there!), I entered corporate life. In the early days the challenges were more around coping with workload and deadlines, and organising my work – but thank goodness workflow management systems were a thing by then, so whilst it was super hard, and I never seemed to stay on top of things – at least I had a computer telling me what to do each day!
At 28 I became a Team Leader, thrown in at the deep end in private practice solicitors, managing a large team in civil litigation personal injury claims. It was a baptism of fire, I coped much better with my management responsibilities than I did with the day to day workload pressures. I spent 10 years in private practice solicitors as a manager, before taking a leap to what I now refer to as ‘the dark side’!
I took a position heading up the corporate contracts team for a well known mobile network provider. Zero telco experience, but they wanted me for my management skills – brilliant. At least I thought it was at the time. I was not prepared for corporate life AT ALL. The overwhelming number of people on campus, the large open plan offices, the noise, the hierarchy, the rules, the expectations.
It all went horribly wrong
I spent 3.5 years in this life, and as each day, week and month passed by, I was slowly losing sight of myself. The politics and culture were not something I either understood, or wanted to be a part of. The pressure and the expectations were impossible to handle and the professional relationships were fraught and challenging. For me, it felt like I spent my life avoiding being thrown under a bus!
For the last 18 months of my time in corporate, my health was rapidly declining. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I started to suffer with severe IBS, panic attacks were almost daily and I lived in a constant state of anxiety and overwhelm. I developed insomnia and barely slept for 2 hours a night. I cried, a lot. I used to get in my car to drive home and hot tears would sting my face, at the relief of being able to go home.
I became a zombie outside of work. Snapping at my family, avoiding friends whenever I could, because I didn’t have the energy or tolerance to see them. All of my energy was going on surviving at work, I had nothing left for anyone else. I had no idea at this point, that I was heading for an almighty autistic burnout, one that would change the course of my life forever.
When I was 36, I officially burnt out. I’d spent over a decade in corporate legal management. I was broken and I couldn’t take anymore.
The turning point
One night, when driving home from work, I considered driving my car off the road, so I wouldn’t have to do it anymore. In that moment, I knew I HAD to get out. So I quit, not knowing what was next, but knowing things had to change.
I spent a year recovering from that autistic burnout, completely lost and broken. After dabbling in a couple of hobby business’ for a couple of years, I finally retrained in 2016 and today run a successful business, as a skin & scar specialist. Whilst improving the life of others was rewarding, it wasn’t without it’s challenges. Running the business and the personal impact of working in a trauma field, was exhausting.
It was better than corporate life, but still I felt burnt out and overwhelmed, and a couple of times a year I would have what I now understand to be mini burnouts. Then, in my mid-forties I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD.
Suddenly the pieces started to fall into place. I began to make sense of myself and the experiences I’d had through my life. Whilst I researched prolifically and joined multiple Facebook communities, I couldn’t seem to find a way to move my life forward, to make the changes I knew I needed to make deep down. I found a lot of ‘me too’ in the communities, and knowing I wasn’t alone was comforting, but I really wanted to know how I could make my life easier and happier.
So, I re-read books that had inspired me when I left corporate, about connecting with my values and dreams. I also drew on my management coaching experience, and essentially coached myself through aligning my life and goals with my values and dreams. As a result, I created a method of adapting my life, to align to my values and visions for my life, and a way to stay connected to them. It was my Eureka moment!
I’ve been able to transform my life from crippling people pleasing and imposter syndrome, to living in a way that brings me inner peace, calm and joy, and enables me to show up authentically. I have to tell you, it feels pretty damn good, and I don’t ever remember having this peace and calm in my life. Don’t get me wrong, my life is busy and full – but it FEELS good, and I love it!
You may one day look back and see something in your journey that makes you proud to be stood where you are, you may already be in that place! If you are in that place, I’d love to hear your story, and if you’re feeling brave and bold, I’ve love you to share it right here, on a blog – too!
Whilst my corporate days were challenging, I still see them as a gift. They gave me an opportunity to learn and grow, and I definitely became more resilient as a result. There are days when I feel sadness and wish I had received my autism and ADHD diagnosis sooner, because maybe I’d have realised it was all wrong for me, and maybe I’d have left a lot sooner – or maybe I’d never have been there in the first place. But then I wouldn’t be here, with you. Sharing our stories and building thriving and happy lives, together. So, every cloud…..
Dream BIG. Live even bigger. Start creating the life you deserve, a life of alignment and authenticity. I promise you, it’s worth every step of the journey.
Until next time, be brave, stay you, and keep being brilliant. Nikki x